Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Friday, January 21, 2011

Doubts, Doubts and More Doubts

I am usually a pretty confident person. Actually, I would say I am a very confident person. And optimistic. However, becoming a mom and having a baby to care for has rocked my world. I am worried ALL THE TIME!

Am I doing this right? Should I be doing that?

This person says this? That person says that?

Is she eating enough? Is she eating too much?

Is she peeing and pooping enough? Too much? What does it look like?

AAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Less than two weeks and I am driving myself crazy. Some days we have a fantastic schedule of sleeping, eating, tummy time and just staring soulfully into each other's eyes. Other days we cluster feed for 5 hours at a time until I am exhausted beyond belief.

My mom was here last week to help and my husband took this week off so I have had a lot of support. The original plan was that Mike would go back to work next Monday and I would be on my own. However, after a few sleepless nights, mornings AND afternoons I asked my mom to come back again next week.....and then I immediately felt guilty that I couldn't handle it on my own. There are so many people that have to do it on their own from Day 1 and here I am, after 2 weeks of support asking for more.

I feel as though I should be able to do it on my own. Then when I think about it, I get weepy and teary.

It's hard to believe it's only been 12 days. Avery is the best thing I have ever done....and the hardest. Every time I look at her my heart hurts with love and then the worrying starts anew. Everyone says it gets better and I certainly hope so. There are moments when I have finished a feeding, settled Avery down to nap, put a load of laundry in the washer and managed to eat a snack and I think to myself, "Wow, I can totally do this Mom thing."

I just want those moments to be more frequent and closer together.

7 Thinks and Thoughts of Others:

Helen's Book Blog said...

I think parenthood is one big doubt-fest. As they get older you get into other things to deal with (homework, after school activities, etc). I thought the four-month mark was a huge turn around point. They interact more, hold their head up, start to eat solid food if you want, etc. And, time will fly!

Stephanie said...

Mommyhood is the best thing in the world and the scariest too as we are always questioning whether we are doing things right. The two months after my second child was born were probably the most hectic and difficult of my life as I had two kids on completely different schedules and my son developed pneumonia. I always prided myself on being able to handle anything, but I was a mess and being a parent taught me to ask for help and to understand that everyone goes through it. Does it get easier and better? Oh, yes, but in different ways. Enjoy every moment !!!

SB said...

oh beth - i hope you know it's natural what you're feeling - i felt like this for a long time after e was born; especially when her feeding became an issue...you're doing awesome. and they say that it takes a village to raise a child - so surround yourself! one of my philosophy teachers used to say that he believes post-partum is less prevalent in families that have lots of support. the last thing you need is isolation. being a good mom is knowing everyone's needs - including yours. we should all be so lucky to have family to help guide and support us - or at least let us get some sleep!

zetor said...

As a Mum of three I have been there. My girls are all n their 20's now and I am a grandma but I still remember 'those' days.
You have to decide what is right and just do it, YOU will be the expert on your baby in a short time , intuition will play a big part. Try to take a deep breath , relax and enjoy these early days, they won't come again, at least not for this little one.
By the way many Congratulations!!!x

Beth said...

Thanks so much for all the kind words and encouragement. It means so much to me! Things are getting better...slowly but surely. I am hoping by the end of this next week with my mom here I will be feeling a little more confident and ready to be on my own with the baby.

Brian DeWagner said...

We eased our burden with the notion that Mowgli grew up in a jungle, and kids grow up in less fictional, more heinous environments all over the world than we're oh-so fortunately able to provide them with...it took the pressure off.

I think there's a lot of people out there that forget how much of an absolute disaster they were for the first few weeks...conveniently forgotten stress and strain that chips away at their egos...I don't forget. We were disasters!

You're much, much too good of a woman, with such stellar examples to follow, to ever fall short of doing this beautifully. I started to look at it like even the tears and doubt and stress were beautiful things, reminders that nothing, ever, meant this much to me.

I think you need a giant bookstore and a few hours to lose yourself, with a free pass to bring home three bags full of kids books for Avery's shelves...that'll do it! Those are pretty beautiful tears Beth, pretty good reminders of what your heart is capable of...I still tell myself that. Now I like it when the tears come.

Beth said...

Brian- How do you always know the right thing to say? I am so glad that we have reconnected...so glad.

Last Words...

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe