Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone

Monday, September 26, 2011

On The Loose

Lately I find myself singing this old campfire song to Avery as I put her to bed...

On the Loose

Did you ever watch the sunrise turn the sky completely red,
Have you slept beneath the moon and stars, a pine bough for your bed
Did you sit and talk with friends, though a word was never said,
Then you’re just like me and you’ve been on the loose.
On the loose to climb a mountain,
On the loose where I am free.
On the loose to live my life, the way I think my life should be,
For I’ve only got a moment and a whole world yet to see.
I’ll be looking for tomorrow on the loose.
There’s a trail that I’ll be hiking just to see where it might go.
Many places yet to visit, many people yet to know,
For in following in my dreams, I will live and I will grow,
On a trail that’s waiting out there on the loose.
So in search of love and laughter, I’ll be traveling cross this land
Never sure of where I’m going, for I haven’t got a plan,
So in time when you are ready, come and join me and take my hand,
And together we’ll share life out there on the loose.
In this world that I am traveling, I will think of you this way,
Remembering your smile, for it seems like yesterday
When we slept beneath the stars, and we dreamed about this day
Now we have come together on the loose.
Do the trees in the forest make you sit and think of love?
Does it take you twenty times or more to count the stars above?
For I’m here now and I like it and the hours melt away,
And if I want I’ll stay here another day.
As I sit and watch the sunset and the daylight softly fades,
I am thinking of tomorrow and the friendships we have made.
I will value them for always and I hope you’ll do the same,
And forever we’ll explore life on the loose.
Now the moon is softly glowing and the stars are twinkling bright
Our laughter and our friendship have cleared this cloudy night
Come and join our flickering campfire, come and sing our happy songs
And together we’ll share life out on the loose.
I hope that's exactly the life Avery has. Exactly.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Multi-tasking Mom

Well I am three weeks in. Three weeks of being a working mom and it is tough! I am lucky that right I have a student teacher so really I am not teaching the full day and therefore not planning or prepping a full day but it's still tough. I have always been the type of teacher (and person) who if I am going to do something I am going to do it well. This means that Is pend a to of time creating lessons and activities for my classroom. It's something I fell is important to do and something that I choose to do.

Now that I have a baby at home I want to spend all of the time with her that I can which means something has got to give somewhere. So far it has been blogging (not too much of that going on), knitting (very little of that going on), and reading (only for as long as I can keep my eyes open at night). I come home from work and spend the precious few hours I have with Avery before she goes to sleep and then once she is asleep I do any school work that is needed. I must say I am getting better at using my school time to get work done (less lunches int he staff room) and prioritizing what actually needs to be done. I know, however, that the time is going to come when the thing that's gotta give is how much time at home I spend on school stuff. And that's okay.

That's life and Avery is way more important.

I just hope when the day comes I remember and don't give myself a stress attack because I can't do it all. Up until now I have been able to do it all. I am not trying to be egotistical, I just have always been a very efficient person who can get a lot of things done in one day. I am great at making lists. My mom says I made lists as a kid. It's my nature! I want to be able to do it all and do it well.

But maybe one day soon that just won't be realistic.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Bath and Bed

My new routine is bath and bed. Every night I get to do the bath and the bed time with the baby. This used to be my husband's job but now that I am the one working it's all mine. There is just something magical about being the last person to hold a baby before they drift off to sleep.

Bath and bedtime is definitely one of the best things about going back to work. A sweet little cuddle. A pretty little smile. And that little sigh as she drifts off to sleep. All mine.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Life is Full or Full of Life?

Going back to work has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life...but I also feel that I am the busiest I have ever been. Coming home to my beautiful baby's face everyday is the best gift I could ever ask for. Life just seems to be in its proper place these days. I have a job I adore. A family I can't wait to see at the end of everyday and I wake up with a smile.

What more could you ask for?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Good Morning Monday!

It's the first official Monday of the school year. There are lots of people who don't like getting up on Mondays after a weekend away from the daily trudge of work. Personally, I don't mind's Sunday night I find harder. Sunday nights feel like an end. They feel so final, so over, so blah. Your body knows you are going to have to get up in the morning and start your work week and so it rebels. I always feel extra tired on Sunday nights.

But by Monday morning I am ready to go. Ready to face another week.

It probably helps that this is my first Monday morning in 8 months. I'll let you know how next week goes!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The First Day of School

I really want to write a nice long post about how great my first day was.

I really want to write about how I loved being around adults again.

I want to write about how I sobbed all the way through "Guess How Much I Love You" when I put my baby to bed last night.

I want to tell you all about my kids.

I want to share my success with my first Daily 5 lesson ever.

I want to tell you how much coffee I drank today. And the donut I ate.

I want to tell you about the number of times I stared at my baby's picture.

I want to write about my lack of ability to complete my day plan for tomorrow and my confusion as to where this skill has gone.

I want to tell you about the chaos of teaching at a school with 1375 students in K- 8 and 95% of those students are bussed. C.H.A.O.S.

I want to tell you about the beautiful smile on my baby's face when I came home from work today.

I want to tell you about how I wore high heels to work and took them off at lunch because I haven't worn high heels since before I got pregnant and my feet hurt.

I really want to tell you all about my day...

But what I want to do most of all is sleep. 

Monday, September 5, 2011

11 Hours...

That's it. That's all. 11 hours until I go back to work and my mat leave is over. I have thought all day about what I wanted to write in this post and it's just not there. I can't really clarify my own feelings so how can I write it all out here? I am excited to go back to work, to be teaching and to be out in society again. Yet, every time I look at my sweet baby's face, kiss her fat little cheeks, or hug her close I start to tear up at the thought of being away from her everyday.

How much will I miss? How fast it she going to learn new stuff and I won't be here to see it all? What if she misses me and is upset during the day? What if....

I'm not sure I can even keep writing. This much thinking about being away from my baby is just getting me more and more upset. I am hoping that tomorrow will be so busy I won't even have time to think about missing my baby. I have a big picture frame full of pictures of her so I will still be able to "see" her all day. I am also going to have a student-teacher in my room starting tomorrow (yes, the first day!) so that will also be occupying my time...not to mention the 24 students!

For right now I am going to head off and watch Bachelor Pad to numb my mind...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Today was......without words

So it's the week (actually now the weekend) before I go back to work and my time at home with my baby is officially over. Done. Finished. Kaput.

I rebound back and forth between being excited to go back to work and bursting into tears at the thought of leaving my baby. Very stable of me. Because of this situation one would think that I would be making the most of the last days with my baby and trying to eke out every last minute with her...but no, I had to go into the school to set up my room for the coming school year. My mom very graciously came to stay with us for a few days to watch Avery while I was at the school.

Unfortunately for her this was the week that Avery decided to develop separation anxiety. Needless to say not everyday was peachy keen for my mom. So what does all this have to do with today as the title states? Well, to tell you that we actually have to go back to yesterday when I drove my mom home after her visit. She lives about 3.5 hours away but when you are travelling with an 8 month old that takes you about 5 hours. We eventually made it home, had dinner with my dad, aunt and grandma so everyone could see the baby and then settled in for sleep.

No sleep.

For Avery and I that is. In the last few visits to other people's houses Avery has developed an aversion to sleeping anywhere that is not her room. She wakes up repeatedly, is very upset or worse really...wide awake for hours. I have had to resort to sleeping holding her in a chair, on the couch etc just to get some shut eye...not fun. Of course, this happened again last night at my parent's house. So this morning I was quite tired and just wanted to hit the road.

The first past of our trip was pure bliss. Avery fell asleep the second the car left the driveway and had a wonderful 2 hour nap until we reached the first rest stop and it was time for her bottle. She sure needed the sleep after being awake most of the night! We met another new mom in the rest area, chatted for a bit, drank a bottle and hit the road again...not pure bliss- pure hell.

This time Avery was awake, and not happy about being separated from me. If she can see me and not touch me these days she is upset....loudly. What should have been a simple 1.5 hour drive home took 3 hours and required 4 stops to comfort her. I kept thinking to myself, "Just power through..don't stop, she'll calm down." But have you ever driven on a busy 4 lane highway with an infant screaming in the back seat. Not so fun or calm.

By the time we got back on the road after our 4th stop I just wanted to be home so badly that I determined this was it...not more stops we would make it. Every time I heard Avery start to make any upset noises in the back seat I handed her a piece of Mum-Mum over my shoulder (yes, I bribed an 8 month old with food...I'm not proud of it but I did it and it worked!) and hoped we would make it before the Mum-Mum's ran out.

As I turned off the highway onto the exit for my house I glanced back in the mirror just time to see Avery nod off to sleep..5 minutes from our house. Ahhh, payback from bribing a baby? Who knows...all I know is that driving on a highway + a baby suffering from separation anxiety= exhausted mom!

Last Words...

Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world.

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe